What happened to the Iraqi Information Minister? You know, the guy who denied that U.S. troops were anywhere near Baghdad, even as our troops were storming the city. Doing research for an article on the last stages of the very successful Boll Weevil Eradication Program, this reporter interviewed a spokesweevil for the Brotherhood of the Boll Weevil who looked suspiciously like the former IF for Iraq. He gave a strikingly different view of the BWEP. We thought his comments would be interesting.

How would you rate the success of the Boll Weevil Eradication Program?

Information Minister: “We have not lost a single boll weevil to that useless government plot. In fact, we love this malathion the infidels spray on us. You think this stuff kills us, but it gives us strength as we hurl our shoes at the foolish crop dusters.”

How many years before the boll weevil is no longer a menace to U.S. growers?

Information Minister (smiling broadly): “We are still everywhere in the fields carving out huge golden palaces inside of cotton bolls and thumbing our noses at your helpless scouts. This fall, after our bellies are full of cellulose, we will burrow into a huge underground bunker and hibernate, alongside a new powerful secret weapon which we have prepared for you. You will be sorry as we slaughter your pinhead squares.”

The green pheromone trap is the most recognizable symbol of the program for both cotton producers and the general public. Why is it so attractive to weevils?

Information minister: (laughs) “We laugh at the green chambers of death you place in the fields. We do not flock mindlessly to them and die. We are merely sleeping in them and building strength for our final assault. When we awake from our slumber, we will clean the entire area of these things.”

Is the boll weevil doomed?

Information minister: (sneering) “Of course not. In fact, after we butcher your entire cotton crop, we plan to come to your homes and destroy completely the cotton dresses of your women and feast on your drapes, bed sheets and pillowcases. After that, we will consume your jeans and overalls and the caps adorned with the names of your input providers. You cannot hide from our herbaceous hordes. Your cries and lamentations will be very, very pleasing.”

Another important key to the program are the aerial applicators. Can you talk about the knot these guys put on your head?

Information minister: (triumphantly) “We have regained air superiority. In martyrdom operations this morning, 50 squadrons of boll weevils forced over 100 crop dusters to the ground. After we bathed in the malathion of the tanks, we devoured the clothes of the pilots. We did not have to torture the prisoners in order to acquire the GPS coordinates of the eradication program committee. Can you say — regime change.”

Another important component of weevil eradication is malathion. Does it strike fear in the heart of every weevil?

Information minister: (incredulous) “Your weapon of mass destruction has not wiped us out by the millions, leaving only few pockets of resistance. But collateral damage has orphaned zillions of innocent Monarch butterflies. I have a video of this I will show tomorrow at 20 minutes past 12.”

Any last words?

Information minister: “Tell the farmers who pay for this war that we are not shocked and we are not awed. We will fight until they are vanquished. I say thank you for the malathion. I rub my nose in it. See. I feel great. I am not finished. I will be back to talk to you tomorrow. You can count on it. The infidels are doomed. A plague upon your spindly picking fingers. May the fleas … (cough, cough) uh, arrgghh … %$*#@.”


e-mail: erobinson@primediabusiness.com.